[Delayed] Feminist Friday: Tardy Slips are Ready
Traditionally, it was a woman’s role to raise a healthy family. Above all other things that a woman was supposed to accomplish, the care of her children was considered to be the most obvious indicator of her worth in society. She should nurture.
Men were supposed to provide a stable income. He should bring home the bread and the eggs. He would be valued according to the size of his bank account, the money in his wallet, and the possessions he acquired. He should provide.
The gender roles in American society were declared, and all people that veered away from this system were deemed abnormal.
Until WWII.
After the Second World War, women entered the workforce. Thus, women were no longer confined to the domestic sphere. They walked out into the public sphere. There, they were reborn.
(Keep in mind that poor Caucasian women and minorities had been working for many generations prior to this.)
Daycares were needed to care for children that were once raised by stay-at-home mothers. The industry boomed. Women needed the support.
Then, there would come times that women would need to attend work or they would wish to visit with friends. Men—the fathers—would stay at home to take care of their children. Taking over all of the responsibilities of the mother, fathers would need to feed, clothe, bathe, and nurture their children. They would become the nurturer while their wife was away.
Some men were fine with this. They enjoyed nurturing their children. They were proud.
However, some men found shame in this role. Some men found that being a nurturer made them feel unmanly and weak. They felt that caring for their children, in the way that a mother cares for her child, made them less powerful.
Therefore, many men declared that they were no more than “babysitting” their children. They would explain to anyone that found them caring for their children that they had to take care of the children because their wife was not present. It was actually their wife’s job. He, the father, was simply filling in.
The father would baby-sit, much like the way a teenager baby-sits your children while you are on a date with your spouse. The father would choose to say he was “babysitting” because the act did not imply that he was actually nurturing.
He did not want to admit to parenting.
Gender roles and norms dictate how we are seen in society. If a person adheres to their sex’s specified gender code they are seen as ideal. However, if the individual decides to adopt roles that are intended for the opposite sex, the individual is seen as unusual. Therefore, individuals often seek to rationalize the act of going against what society has deemed acceptable for their sex. For example, a man is deemed womanly if he nurtures his children. Thus, he adopts the term “babysitting” because the word implies he is not truly fulfilling the traditional feminine gender role of being a nurturer.
How do you view the concept of a man babysitting his children when he is obviously nurturing them? Do you feel that if men use the term “babysitting,” an unequal balance of power between feminine and masculine roles in parenting is created? In 2007, do you feel that a man is still pressured by society to take less responsibility in the basic care of his children (i.e. a father should not bathe and feed his children, but instead he should work in order to obtain the funds needed for the mother to do so)?
I open this debate up to all of Into the Inkpot’s readers, and look forward to all responses.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Gender and Parenting: Babysitting the Norm
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8 comments:
Excellent recap Erina! I'm actually glad I did not grow up in such an era. At least it was not enforced in my family.
If my dad stayed home to watch, I would thing, cool! dad is with us on a 'stay home' day. Woot!
In today's day and age, I still think it would be acceptable and the norm. When I say the norm, I mean the norm in what is agreed upon between the husband and wife.
If, for example, the wife was in a successful career and making enough money to support the family and the husband decided to forgo his job to take care of the child, and of course the husband and wife agreed, then I say more power to them!
They would probably care less what people thought. A decision was made between husband and wife, and people's opinions should not matter.
I would support my wife and her career. I would proudly walk into mommy tea parties and confidently stroll down Kids R Us.
I happen to know fathers in this situation and I have a hell of a lot of respect for them. Their children are also honored that their dads took care of them when they would young knowing or at least having an awareness of the norm of gender and parenting.
My friends would say, 'I'm taking care of my kid' instead of saying 'baby sitting'. I guess it's a more masculine, more comfortable term.
Day care dads rule!
"He did not want to admit to parenting."
What a powerful sentence.
I think with each new generation, the idea of what is attractive and yes, manly, for a male is changing with each new generation to be more progressive. You're right, it used to be that a man should be the breadwinner in order to be attractive. Today, for women now to consider men attractive he needs to be able to handle being domestic.
Parental role dynamics have changed, but there is still a lingering stigma. Some men who are insecure with their own masculinity might feel helping out with traditionally female household chores, etc...as being whipped or god forbid, less of a man.
I think it says much for modern society that women can speak out and point out how unattractive that is for a potential life-long mate. I think it's heartening to see men today feel less of a man if they DON'T pull their own weight and provide equally for his family.
You would hope that the husband and wife would discuss parenting before having a child or even before marriage.
Parenting is something that they should both agree upon despite if the husband likes blue and wife likes red. It's the big things that matter and parenting is one of them.
No matter what they call it. Life must go on, nurturing of the young is a necessity. Somebody has to, so somebody will do it. Whether its nurturing or babysitting, it continues as it needs to.
I dont think men are particularly concerned with their roles in family. We know what must get done, so we try to do what we can. It is probably safe to say that some men would prefer to leave certain tasks to the women for they seem much more fit to accomplish them.
I would have great respect for a man who takes the time to help his wife and be with his children.
Before, providing for the family is expected to be a man's job only but nowadays, it is both man and wife. So if a man helps out,does some cooking, cleaning, bathes the children, plays with the children and enjoys doing it and not just "babysit" is now considered a great husband and a wonderful father.
I think nowadays, men like that are considered ideal. One who provides, helps the wife and takes the time to care for his children. Fathers who does that gives an extra to their children. Parents are still the ones who can greatly influence their children so for parents to actively raise the kids together gives a healthy nurturing environment for them. They become more aware of the love and care given to them since father and mother is ever present.
I think it depends on the man. I don't believe there is a class system, a religious belief, or a set rule that distinguishes a man of being a babysitter from a "parent". I think there are more men today that are more apt to be stay at home dads than ever before; and this is because the idea is more accepted. Families accept it more, and society as a whole accepts it more.
I think this issue needs to be discussed before marriage.
I really liked this post Erina. Very well thought out.
'In 2007, do you feel that a man is still pressured by society to take less responsibility in the basic care of his children'
In South Africa, definately...our males generally fight against changing the traditional mindsets.Males here are accustomed to having the females of the family doing all the work in the house, looking after the kids and taking care of the men with endless cups of tea etc....
No matter what race or community a South African male falls into, there is a big probability that he hails from a tradition that taught him that females are for sex and labour!(if he was born and raised here, that is ) It might not be overtly spoken about, but its there in the way women are treated and the crap they willingly accept from their partners.
Boer, Zulu, Cape Coloured and all the rest..they are the same in mindset, but they would seldom admit it!
They are embarrased to be seen looking after the kids, and its often laughable to observe.However, there are exceptions to this..many men do love their children and they see nothing wrong with doing whatever they must to look after them .In fact, I see more and more fathers nurturing their children in very public places, so the trend is probably growing! Still, millions of men here so obviously want to cling to the old ways...where they can lie on the couch and watch the game, shouting orders to all and sundry.. while their wife hovers around bringing snacks and cold beers while cleaning the house and cooking food and doing the laundry.Oh, and making sure the kids are conveniently kicked outdoors! Well this is not my mindset and neither was I brought up this way. I can see how shallow it all is.I applaud all males who are not afraid to share the domestic and parenting role with their wives.It takes 2 to tango, after all ! :)
Great post, Erina... Have a great day further !
There is nothing sexier than a man who is man enough to call himself a dad, then behave accordingly.
To adhere to social roles because society says that you must, and not because you actually want to fill that role, is both cowardly and insecure.
The point of being a thinking human being is the ability to think for yourself. To do less is to give up all your power and autonomy to a nameless "They" and who wants to do that?
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